I found out yesterday that the Neurologist does not (nor did he ever) intend to remove the Ommaya Reservoir from my head. He intends for it to remain in me forever!! This is the Ommaya that I wrote about a couple blogs ago...the "port" in my head that I dislike greatly! Well, we spoke on the phone because he had called and left me a message earlier in the day saying we needed to, "discuss your idea of removing the Ommaya." I should have known by that comment what I was in for, but I was SO ready to schedule surgery to remove it (and I thought it cool that a doctor would call me personally instead of making his nurse call) that I called him back prepared to mark my calendar. But instead of asking me for a convenient surgery date, he said it is not necessary to remove it and is not medically wise to do so because the possibility exists that my leukemia could return and if it does, a third brain surgery to reinsert another Ommaya would be required and why risk that. Oh poo! That's not how I expected the conversation to go. I told him that I'd think and pray about what he said and he graciously said that if I concluded that I simply could not stand to have the thing in my head, he'd go ahead and schedule surgery to remove it. (Removal is much easier than insertion).
Now, I had just seen the Oncologist a couple hours before this phone call and we talked about the issue of my A.L.L. returning. Apparently with leukemia, if you make it one year without it returning that's good; if you make it two years the chances of recurrence are very low. Given the fact that I achieved remission back in February after just one round of chemo I'm in a category with a bit less risk of it returning than are folks that did not achieve remission until they'd had several rounds of chemo. But of course, neither the doctor nor medical protocol can guarnatee it won't return no matter what category I'm in. God alone knows the number and essence of my days. But in most cases, if it is going to come back, it returns within the first year....the first 6 months especially. That is why we will be leaving my chest port in for at least the first year. That way we can use it for my monthly blood draws, but also have it there and in place in case the leukemia returns and we need to resume chemo. Yet despite that whole conversation, the Oncologist said I could certainly go ahead and get the Ommaya removed, so I was not expecting the neurologist to say otherwise.
I was very discouraged as I hung up. But as I muddled through all of the thoughts swirling within me, I had to admit that I could see the good reasoning behind his not wanting to take it out and risk another surgery later. So rather half-heartedly and somewhat sarcastically, I said, "Your will not mine, Lord" and then uttered a very whole-hearted, "Oh poo!"
Have you ever noticed that once you begin to crack open the door of discouragement and doubt Satan quickly sticks a foot in there and soon has you rushing headlong into the pit of paranoid what-ifs? Boy, I've experienced that; especially yesterday. Suddenly I wasn't just pouting about having to leave the Ommaya in, I was fearing the return of my A.L.L. "Maybe the Lord is having it left in because He knows I'm going to get the A.L.L. back. But I wonder when it'll come back....I don't want it back...I mean, I'll fight again, but..." See how quickly I fell into paranoid what-ifs instead of living in peaceful trusting? Geesh! I battled such thoughts for much of the day until I remembered the verse I had sent to a friend earlier in the week, "And He will be their peace." (Micah 5:5). He is my peace! Yep, I'd much rather live in peaceful trust than paranoid what-ifs.
The battle to live in peaceful trust without any paranoid what-ifs may prove harder for me than my battle against A.L.L., but I intend to fight just as fervently because I seriously and whole-heartedly believe that His will, not mine, is the best thing for me.
Mo's Thots
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. Psalm 73:28
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Mind Boggling World of Chemo; Loving Redeemer
Currently I am sitting here in my room on the Oncology floor at St. Francis Hospital, having recently been unhooked from a chemo drug called Cytarabine. It is highly toxic and so I have to sign my signature before each dose (1 every 12 hours and it drips for 2 hours) so they can make sure it isn't having any adverse neurological effects. They keep a signature sheet and use it each time so as to compare them. I also have to be given steroid eye drops every 6 hours the two days I'm on this chemo to protect my eyes. The chemo drug I received for the first 26 hours of my stay was Methotrexate and it too is highly toxic stuff. They have to do repeated blood draws to monitor the level of Methotrexate in me to make sure we aren't overdoing things. And then, 24 hours after stopping the methotrexate, I am given a drug every 6-8 hours called Leucovorin which helps protect my kidneys from the methotrexate. Of course, throughout my entire 3-4 day stay for chemo I have bags of fluid running to help flush my system...not too fast for the chemo not to do it's job, but fast enough to help rid my body of it so as to avoid it harming parts of me that need not be touched by chemo. And there are always anti-nausea meds being given either orally or into my I.V. And with these 2 particular chemos a steroid called Solu Medrol is also given to me. This little dandy makes my face red and flushed and swollen...along with my feet and ankles.
It is all kind of mind boggling isn't it? What they must give you to cure you is dangerous stuff! Yet someone, somewhere has been gifted by God to create all these counter meds and protective measures. Of course it took much aid from God to create chemo too, but it is all the counter meds and the balancing act with the toxicity that boggles my mind at present. Now, I say gifted by God, because I doubt anyone could possibly do this without Him. They may think they have, but I pray they realize Who helped them come up with all this. If not now, perhaps some day before they stand before Him. But it is also mind boggling that anyone could put a chemo care plan together; a delicate dance to be sure. Enough toxicity to kill the cancer cells, but not the rest of one's body. I can't quite wrap my little mind around putting that all together.
About the only thing they haven't been able to figure out a way of stopping are the post chemo mouth sores. Many chemo drugs can cause them, but both the Methotrexate and the Cytarabine are notorious for causing mouth sores; actually sores all the way down the pathway from our mouth to our throat, esophagus, stomach and out! Trust me, not pleasant! It is just one of those things you have to endure until your blood count improves enough to heal them. Yes, your blood count that was obliterated by the very chemo giving you the mouth sores. Mind boggling yet again.
But ya know what? I don't think we have to understand everything that happens to us in our lives. If we were always given an answer and explanation from the Lord about the whys and whats of life I think we'd have a very small and shallow faith. The Lord said to the Israel, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched." He didn't say, 'after I dry it all up and it's safe for you pass through go on in'. Nor did He say to 'only walk in the shallows of the rivers'. He also did not say we should 'only walk through the cooled off ashes of the fire so we don't get burned.' Nope not all what He said. Plunge right on in with full faith because I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! That's what He said. (Isaiah 43)
I have tried to do that during these last 8 months of round after round of chemo and round after round of post-chemo side effects. Oh trust me, it hasn't all been a sweet little cake walk where I kept my head up high and never got down. I dont' think that is possible during a battle of this magnitude. But what is possible is to pick that spirit up as soon as you can and press on in the strength of the Lord and plow your way through the mind boggling world called chemotherapy.
It is all kind of mind boggling isn't it? What they must give you to cure you is dangerous stuff! Yet someone, somewhere has been gifted by God to create all these counter meds and protective measures. Of course it took much aid from God to create chemo too, but it is all the counter meds and the balancing act with the toxicity that boggles my mind at present. Now, I say gifted by God, because I doubt anyone could possibly do this without Him. They may think they have, but I pray they realize Who helped them come up with all this. If not now, perhaps some day before they stand before Him. But it is also mind boggling that anyone could put a chemo care plan together; a delicate dance to be sure. Enough toxicity to kill the cancer cells, but not the rest of one's body. I can't quite wrap my little mind around putting that all together.
About the only thing they haven't been able to figure out a way of stopping are the post chemo mouth sores. Many chemo drugs can cause them, but both the Methotrexate and the Cytarabine are notorious for causing mouth sores; actually sores all the way down the pathway from our mouth to our throat, esophagus, stomach and out! Trust me, not pleasant! It is just one of those things you have to endure until your blood count improves enough to heal them. Yes, your blood count that was obliterated by the very chemo giving you the mouth sores. Mind boggling yet again.
But ya know what? I don't think we have to understand everything that happens to us in our lives. If we were always given an answer and explanation from the Lord about the whys and whats of life I think we'd have a very small and shallow faith. The Lord said to the Israel, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched." He didn't say, 'after I dry it all up and it's safe for you pass through go on in'. Nor did He say to 'only walk in the shallows of the rivers'. He also did not say we should 'only walk through the cooled off ashes of the fire so we don't get burned.' Nope not all what He said. Plunge right on in with full faith because I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! That's what He said. (Isaiah 43)
I have tried to do that during these last 8 months of round after round of chemo and round after round of post-chemo side effects. Oh trust me, it hasn't all been a sweet little cake walk where I kept my head up high and never got down. I dont' think that is possible during a battle of this magnitude. But what is possible is to pick that spirit up as soon as you can and press on in the strength of the Lord and plow your way through the mind boggling world called chemotherapy.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Oh My Ommaya!
As most of you know, I have an Ommaya Reservoir inserted in my head to deliver chemo directly into my cerebrospinal fluid. Technically they call that "intrathecal chemo." But don't let their fancy words fool you, all it really means is let's inject chemo into Mo's brain!! :-) The first Ommaya I had developed a staph infection and had to be removed and I was on heavy dose antibiotic for several weeks. But then, of course, doctor said I needed another one put in so the "protocol of 4 chemo doses through it" could happen. I was a tad bummed by that, but also not really surprised. This second Ommaya has been functioning as it should and not causing any problems. Annoying, yes. Infected, no. Praise the Lord. Yet I've still been counting down the final 3 intrathecal chemos and eagerly anticipating their end.
On July 1st, as the doctor was injecting chemo into my Ommaya I was cheering about that being the final one to which he said, "Oh no, we're doing 2 more after this; one each time you come in for your chemo through your chest port." I was somewhat dumbfounded, but managed to say only, "oh, okay." When he left, I convinced myself that he had simply misspoken. I was sure that when he checked his notes he'd figure that out. After all, when he decided I needed the Ommaya reinserted the second time he had said it was because protocol was 4 doses. Besides, 4 is what I wanted. 4 was all I was anticipating. This is all about me, right? ;-)
The next morning when he came in, at his usual 6:45 AM, he began to explain the fact that I had only 2 rounds of chemo left (after the one being administered then) and 2 more doses through the Ommaya. "But you said protocol was 4 and yesterday was the 4th one," I whined. "Well, protocol has changed," he said with a sly grin. I was not grinning mind you and that was not due to the early hour. Apparently protocol is 4-6 doses; why he had said 4 earlier is beyond me...likely to ease me into accepting the second Ommaya surgery.
To say that I was downhearted when he left my room would be an understatement. I kept thinking, 'but I don't want any more chemo through this stupid thing; it's not fair. He said 4; of course adding 2 more is nothing to him, he's not the one with this thing stuck in his brain like a turkey baster with it's bulb sticking up on the top of his head.' (Okay, a turkey baster is larger than this, but hey, this thing is in MY head so I get to call it what I wish.) :-) Well, as I sat whining and muttering about him under my breath I suddenly found myself thinking of the verses that I had just read and underlined in Psalm 119. (vs 50) "My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life." (vs.57) "You are my portion, O Lord; I have promised to obey Your words." Oh my!
"But come on, Lord. I battled weeks of headaches and fevers with the first one of these and I battled to keep pressing on in this fight against the leukemia during that time too and You brought me through all that so why....oh my! Rats! Okay, Lord."
Oh my Ommaya, you scare me not. I still don't like you, no not one tiny bit, but 'His promises preserve my life.' And one of His promises is to be with us always, therefore we need not fear. Dislike, perhaps, but never fear...especially never fear turkey basters. :-o
"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." Psalm 116:7
On July 1st, as the doctor was injecting chemo into my Ommaya I was cheering about that being the final one to which he said, "Oh no, we're doing 2 more after this; one each time you come in for your chemo through your chest port." I was somewhat dumbfounded, but managed to say only, "oh, okay." When he left, I convinced myself that he had simply misspoken. I was sure that when he checked his notes he'd figure that out. After all, when he decided I needed the Ommaya reinserted the second time he had said it was because protocol was 4 doses. Besides, 4 is what I wanted. 4 was all I was anticipating. This is all about me, right? ;-)
The next morning when he came in, at his usual 6:45 AM, he began to explain the fact that I had only 2 rounds of chemo left (after the one being administered then) and 2 more doses through the Ommaya. "But you said protocol was 4 and yesterday was the 4th one," I whined. "Well, protocol has changed," he said with a sly grin. I was not grinning mind you and that was not due to the early hour. Apparently protocol is 4-6 doses; why he had said 4 earlier is beyond me...likely to ease me into accepting the second Ommaya surgery.
To say that I was downhearted when he left my room would be an understatement. I kept thinking, 'but I don't want any more chemo through this stupid thing; it's not fair. He said 4; of course adding 2 more is nothing to him, he's not the one with this thing stuck in his brain like a turkey baster with it's bulb sticking up on the top of his head.' (Okay, a turkey baster is larger than this, but hey, this thing is in MY head so I get to call it what I wish.) :-) Well, as I sat whining and muttering about him under my breath I suddenly found myself thinking of the verses that I had just read and underlined in Psalm 119. (vs 50) "My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life." (vs.57) "You are my portion, O Lord; I have promised to obey Your words." Oh my!
"But come on, Lord. I battled weeks of headaches and fevers with the first one of these and I battled to keep pressing on in this fight against the leukemia during that time too and You brought me through all that so why....oh my! Rats! Okay, Lord."
Oh my Ommaya, you scare me not. I still don't like you, no not one tiny bit, but 'His promises preserve my life.' And one of His promises is to be with us always, therefore we need not fear. Dislike, perhaps, but never fear...especially never fear turkey basters. :-o
"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." Psalm 116:7
Monday, June 28, 2010
Cancer: The Tie That Binds/Bonds Strangers
I was recently out walking laps around 7 West, the Oncology floor here at St. Francis, as I often do while a patient up here. Most times I'm the lone walker, but I have met some folks too. A family member of a patient and today another patient. It is rather odd how we don't introduce ourselves by our names, but rather by our condition...what type of cancer we are in here receiving treatment for. That seems odd, yet it is our battle with cancer that binds us into the "same boat" so to speak so I suppose it is only natural that we use that as our means of introduction.
The family memeber I met back in May, while here for chemo #4, was walking towards the elevators to leave as I was heading that way to circle back around and begin another lap. I pulled over to let her pass to the elevator buttons, but she stopped a little bit behind me. I told her I was just out walking and she could go ahead of me to the elevators. She said, "No, I can't. This is intruding, but I need to ask someone who 'knows' some questions. Please!" Tears began to fill her eyes and I immediately said it was NOT an intrusion and to ask away. She proceeded to explain to me that her 72 year old mother was in here and had been told a couple weeks prior that she had cancer and had received her first round of chemo, but was now terribly sick with an infection in her bowels that she apparently picked up here at the hospital. She asked if I could believe anyone could get an infection at the hospital. I grinned and yes, I could imagine that...in fact I had just completed being treated for a staph infection in my cerebrospinal fluid. She said, "And you've come back to continue chemo." Sure I have, I told her. She told me her mom was refusing to ever have more treatment and so this gal was wondering if it was her place to insist her mom continue. Praise the Lord, I was able to say that I clearly understood where her mom's mindset was right then because I'd been at a point of absolute discouragement when I was so sick prior to them finding the staph infection. I pointed out that when you feel that miserable for so many days on end, you truly reach the point where it all seems so not worth the hassle, discomfort, and continuing with the battle is the last thing you desire. I said that while I didn't know her mom's prognosis, if it were me, I'd not mention chemo at all right now, but instead encourage her through the antibioitic treatments for the infection until she began to feel better and her perspective was able to return. "But I don't want her to die just because she didn't do chemo." My heart broke for this dear woman and I told her that I knew what losing a parent felt like as my dad had passed away just a couple years ago and while my mom is still alive I've "lost" her to her memory. Suddenly we were bound even moreso. I told her to make sure her mom understood that the chemo did not cause the infection; infections are unfortunate possiblities that can arise in hospitals. And I said that once her mom felt better I was sure they'd be able to talk further about continuing the battle against her cancer and that I'd be praying toward that end. The tears continued to fall down her cheeks as she smiled and thanked me and yet again apologized for asking such intruding things. "Not an instrusion at all, I promise." Then off she went to the elevator and I've not seen her again. But I've been praying her mom chose to press on in the battle with cancer. I likely will never know since I can't ask the staff about private info on other patients...plus I don't her name. :-) But the Lord knows because he sent me walking at just that time so that woman would meet someone who'd battle an infection and the mental down-time such added issues can bring to the battlefield. The Lord is the true tie that binds.
Now today I met a patient out walking. She had her mask on and we'd both been down in Main Admitting earlier this morning. She stopped walking and mentioned seeing me downstairs that morning and asked if I finished with my chemo for today. I pointed to my green covered bag and told her it'd be running for 24 hours. She said that hers had run 30 mins each for 2 bags so she was out walking while she still felt good. She asked if I was also in the isolation area and I said no just a regular room. I asked if she had Leukemia and she said no, she had Multiple Myeloma which has no cure, but is treatable and she'd be having a stem cell transplant tomorrow (6/29/10/). I told her my dad had a stem cell transplant 12 years ago for lymphoma and he lived an additional 9+ years after it. She said that was her prayer; that it would work and she could get about 10 more years...as opposed the the 3-4 currently given. I said that I would definitely be praying for her tomorrow regarding the stem cell transplant. She was very grateful and so I'd like to ask anyone that reads this to pray Tuesday and beyond for my "pink-ballcapped-hall-walking-friend" as she has her stem cell transplannt and for those stem cells to rejuvenate her blood supply and bone marrow so she can live longer than now given. But as she said, "The Lord knows what will happen, but who knows, in 10 years they may have found a drug to cure multiple myeloma." So true, I said, they just may. We went back to our separate walking routes with a hearty, "God bless" to each other. I may not see her walking again before I leave as she'll be pretty weak after the transplant for a while, but maybe I'll see her husband and will be able to check on her that way. But if not, the Lord knows...goodness, He knows her name not just her condition! ;-) I'm so thankful, that He had me walking once again at just the right time so we could meet and be an encouragement to each other Such a blessing.
Cancer a positive? Sure, why not? When writing of facing storms and obstacles in life, F B Meyer says in Streams in the Desert, "Dare to trust Him! Dare to follow Him! Then discover that the forces that blocked your progress and threatened your life become at His command the very materials He uses to build your street of freedom." See to me, meeting a stranger on 7 West and chatting with them through the cancer bond that binds us may just, perhaps, be as Hebrews speaks of, a little like entertaining angels unawares. The street to freedom from cancer can be positive for the old hymn is right, "Blessed be the ties that bind..."
The family memeber I met back in May, while here for chemo #4, was walking towards the elevators to leave as I was heading that way to circle back around and begin another lap. I pulled over to let her pass to the elevator buttons, but she stopped a little bit behind me. I told her I was just out walking and she could go ahead of me to the elevators. She said, "No, I can't. This is intruding, but I need to ask someone who 'knows' some questions. Please!" Tears began to fill her eyes and I immediately said it was NOT an intrusion and to ask away. She proceeded to explain to me that her 72 year old mother was in here and had been told a couple weeks prior that she had cancer and had received her first round of chemo, but was now terribly sick with an infection in her bowels that she apparently picked up here at the hospital. She asked if I could believe anyone could get an infection at the hospital. I grinned and yes, I could imagine that...in fact I had just completed being treated for a staph infection in my cerebrospinal fluid. She said, "And you've come back to continue chemo." Sure I have, I told her. She told me her mom was refusing to ever have more treatment and so this gal was wondering if it was her place to insist her mom continue. Praise the Lord, I was able to say that I clearly understood where her mom's mindset was right then because I'd been at a point of absolute discouragement when I was so sick prior to them finding the staph infection. I pointed out that when you feel that miserable for so many days on end, you truly reach the point where it all seems so not worth the hassle, discomfort, and continuing with the battle is the last thing you desire. I said that while I didn't know her mom's prognosis, if it were me, I'd not mention chemo at all right now, but instead encourage her through the antibioitic treatments for the infection until she began to feel better and her perspective was able to return. "But I don't want her to die just because she didn't do chemo." My heart broke for this dear woman and I told her that I knew what losing a parent felt like as my dad had passed away just a couple years ago and while my mom is still alive I've "lost" her to her memory. Suddenly we were bound even moreso. I told her to make sure her mom understood that the chemo did not cause the infection; infections are unfortunate possiblities that can arise in hospitals. And I said that once her mom felt better I was sure they'd be able to talk further about continuing the battle against her cancer and that I'd be praying toward that end. The tears continued to fall down her cheeks as she smiled and thanked me and yet again apologized for asking such intruding things. "Not an instrusion at all, I promise." Then off she went to the elevator and I've not seen her again. But I've been praying her mom chose to press on in the battle with cancer. I likely will never know since I can't ask the staff about private info on other patients...plus I don't her name. :-) But the Lord knows because he sent me walking at just that time so that woman would meet someone who'd battle an infection and the mental down-time such added issues can bring to the battlefield. The Lord is the true tie that binds.
Now today I met a patient out walking. She had her mask on and we'd both been down in Main Admitting earlier this morning. She stopped walking and mentioned seeing me downstairs that morning and asked if I finished with my chemo for today. I pointed to my green covered bag and told her it'd be running for 24 hours. She said that hers had run 30 mins each for 2 bags so she was out walking while she still felt good. She asked if I was also in the isolation area and I said no just a regular room. I asked if she had Leukemia and she said no, she had Multiple Myeloma which has no cure, but is treatable and she'd be having a stem cell transplant tomorrow (6/29/10/). I told her my dad had a stem cell transplant 12 years ago for lymphoma and he lived an additional 9+ years after it. She said that was her prayer; that it would work and she could get about 10 more years...as opposed the the 3-4 currently given. I said that I would definitely be praying for her tomorrow regarding the stem cell transplant. She was very grateful and so I'd like to ask anyone that reads this to pray Tuesday and beyond for my "pink-ballcapped-hall-walking-friend" as she has her stem cell transplannt and for those stem cells to rejuvenate her blood supply and bone marrow so she can live longer than now given. But as she said, "The Lord knows what will happen, but who knows, in 10 years they may have found a drug to cure multiple myeloma." So true, I said, they just may. We went back to our separate walking routes with a hearty, "God bless" to each other. I may not see her walking again before I leave as she'll be pretty weak after the transplant for a while, but maybe I'll see her husband and will be able to check on her that way. But if not, the Lord knows...goodness, He knows her name not just her condition! ;-) I'm so thankful, that He had me walking once again at just the right time so we could meet and be an encouragement to each other Such a blessing.
Cancer a positive? Sure, why not? When writing of facing storms and obstacles in life, F B Meyer says in Streams in the Desert, "Dare to trust Him! Dare to follow Him! Then discover that the forces that blocked your progress and threatened your life become at His command the very materials He uses to build your street of freedom." See to me, meeting a stranger on 7 West and chatting with them through the cancer bond that binds us may just, perhaps, be as Hebrews speaks of, a little like entertaining angels unawares. The street to freedom from cancer can be positive for the old hymn is right, "Blessed be the ties that bind..."
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Cancer: Is It All Consuming? You Bet and Praise the Lord!
"You have Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia." The words sent chills down our spine and fear into our hearts and an instant silent prayer to my lips...'Lord give me strength to hear this all out.' For the next several minutes we listened to the Oncologist explain this disease. Thankfully, he started by telling us it has a 95% cure rate. But then as we listened to medically technical explanations our minds were reeling. I found myself thinking, more than once during his speech, how will I ever get through this; it will change everything. And that it does, my friends. Fighting cancer (leukemia) is indeed an all consuming battle. Or shall I say an A.L.L. consuming battle in my case. :-)
It isn't just tough during the chemo infusions. They are a big part of the battle, but then you go home and the chemo remains within your body for a while and so you begin to deal with side effects, some of which are not pleasant and many of which are not the same from round to round. It becomes sort of a wait and see guessing game. For example, the shot I receive to help boost my bone marrow recovery makes me feel like I have flu body aches for several days. This last one however, also made my skin hyper sensitive to even the touch of my clothes. Never the same rate of dropping blood levels; ever changing side-effects to deal with; and other unknowns I'm sure I've yet to meet. My blood crashes to the point of having no immune system as it fights through the effects of the chemo, which is what is supposed to happen, but which is also very tiring, and risky. Then it gets to the point where it can begin to rebuild itself back to "normal" at which point I get to start the whole process all over again. I find myself waking up some mornings and after doing the old, 'what day is it and where am I' then I remember, "oh that's right, I still have a fight with leukemia on my hands.' See what I mean, it is truly A.L.L. consuming stuff, day in and day out. But the grace of God is also A.L.L. consuming and His mercies are new every morning.
The great man of faith, George Mueller once said, "The only way to know strong faith is to endure great trials. I have learned my faith by standing firm through severe testing." Amen!. As a family, we experienced a time of testing and great closeness with the Lord after He called our young Caleb home to heaven May 23, 2003 when I was 7 months pregnant with him. We learned MUCH about the Sovereignty of the Lord through that trial. This time the trial is a bit different; to me it is more about needing to constantly cling to the Lord in order to combat the all consuming issue this fight with A.L.L. is. God's Sovereignty is reigning supreme once again, but the battle is so different; so constant. But praise the Lord, He never fails. When the battle makes me weary, I have only to say, Lord, You are my source of strength; my stronghold. When the battle frustrates me with all it's changing issues, I have only to look up and hear Him say with a smile, the battle belongs to the Me not you. When the battle frightens me, I look up and say, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."
So yes, cancer is an all consuming thing, but praise God because God is good A.L.L. the time; A.L.L. the time God is good. His A.L.L. consuming love never fails. He never fails to teach his children glorious things of Himself A.L.L. the way through tough times! And best of A.L.L., His A.L.L. sufficient grace is EXACTLY that!!
It isn't just tough during the chemo infusions. They are a big part of the battle, but then you go home and the chemo remains within your body for a while and so you begin to deal with side effects, some of which are not pleasant and many of which are not the same from round to round. It becomes sort of a wait and see guessing game. For example, the shot I receive to help boost my bone marrow recovery makes me feel like I have flu body aches for several days. This last one however, also made my skin hyper sensitive to even the touch of my clothes. Never the same rate of dropping blood levels; ever changing side-effects to deal with; and other unknowns I'm sure I've yet to meet. My blood crashes to the point of having no immune system as it fights through the effects of the chemo, which is what is supposed to happen, but which is also very tiring, and risky. Then it gets to the point where it can begin to rebuild itself back to "normal" at which point I get to start the whole process all over again. I find myself waking up some mornings and after doing the old, 'what day is it and where am I' then I remember, "oh that's right, I still have a fight with leukemia on my hands.' See what I mean, it is truly A.L.L. consuming stuff, day in and day out. But the grace of God is also A.L.L. consuming and His mercies are new every morning.
The great man of faith, George Mueller once said, "The only way to know strong faith is to endure great trials. I have learned my faith by standing firm through severe testing." Amen!. As a family, we experienced a time of testing and great closeness with the Lord after He called our young Caleb home to heaven May 23, 2003 when I was 7 months pregnant with him. We learned MUCH about the Sovereignty of the Lord through that trial. This time the trial is a bit different; to me it is more about needing to constantly cling to the Lord in order to combat the all consuming issue this fight with A.L.L. is. God's Sovereignty is reigning supreme once again, but the battle is so different; so constant. But praise the Lord, He never fails. When the battle makes me weary, I have only to say, Lord, You are my source of strength; my stronghold. When the battle frustrates me with all it's changing issues, I have only to look up and hear Him say with a smile, the battle belongs to the Me not you. When the battle frightens me, I look up and say, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."
So yes, cancer is an all consuming thing, but praise God because God is good A.L.L. the time; A.L.L. the time God is good. His A.L.L. consuming love never fails. He never fails to teach his children glorious things of Himself A.L.L. the way through tough times! And best of A.L.L., His A.L.L. sufficient grace is EXACTLY that!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mo's Musings on the Irony(s) Of Chemotherapy
Originally this blog was set up to "advertise" my being a part of the Mom Sales Team for the kid friendly cell phone company, kajeet. It still is since all the ads you see stating 15% off can be clicked and you will be taken to my landing page. You can read previous posts about all that though. I've come out here now to post my musings about the ironies I see in chemotherapy.
To begin with, a nurse can't even start the chemicals without first gowning up in a safety, paper/plastic lab coat and thick gloves. You lay there thinking, "and I'm supposed to just lay here and let this stuff flow into my body when you can't even touch the bags without safety gear!" Not only that, but the bags are covered in a bright green over-bag. To me that green shouts of nausea. ;-) Granted, the chemicals are supposed to kill off the cancer cells so I understand their needed level of toxicity and the need for precautions all the "healthy" must take to administer it; I just find it a bit ironic to watch them knowing that same toxicity is soon to be flowing all throughout me killing what it should right along with other parts it really ought to leave alone. I mean, what did a hair follicle ever do to chemo? Really! Nearly as quickly as they are letting the chemo flow and often before even starting it they are balancing it with drugs, either I.V. or oral to counter most of the worst effects and mainly to protect vital organs such as your kidneys and bladder; also I receive eye drops with certain chemo to protect my eyes from infection and such. Zac often teases me about all the steroids and it likely is a good thing I don't play professional sports what with the level of steroids that get injected and swallowed by me during a chemo regime. :-)
But think about it...the same God that heals us also gave wisdom to scientists/chemists to come up with not only chemicals to kill cancer cells so people don't just have to sit back and wait for the cancer to take their life, but also ways to protect vital organs and reduce side effects during the treatment process. Now to my way of thinking, only the One true God could do that! The Lord that formed us in our mothers' womb; that knit us each together uniquely; and who knows the exact number of our days...even before there was ever one of them. He even numbered every hair on our head...at present I have none of my original count, but He'll do a re-count in time I'm sure. Yes, the Lord is indeed the ultimate Great Physcian and Healer and Abba Father!
So yes, there may be many ironic things that strike me while I'm enduring chemotherapy, but all I need do is lift my eyes unto the Lord and I see nothing ironic at all and I'm good to go on with the fight.
To begin with, a nurse can't even start the chemicals without first gowning up in a safety, paper/plastic lab coat and thick gloves. You lay there thinking, "and I'm supposed to just lay here and let this stuff flow into my body when you can't even touch the bags without safety gear!" Not only that, but the bags are covered in a bright green over-bag. To me that green shouts of nausea. ;-) Granted, the chemicals are supposed to kill off the cancer cells so I understand their needed level of toxicity and the need for precautions all the "healthy" must take to administer it; I just find it a bit ironic to watch them knowing that same toxicity is soon to be flowing all throughout me killing what it should right along with other parts it really ought to leave alone. I mean, what did a hair follicle ever do to chemo? Really! Nearly as quickly as they are letting the chemo flow and often before even starting it they are balancing it with drugs, either I.V. or oral to counter most of the worst effects and mainly to protect vital organs such as your kidneys and bladder; also I receive eye drops with certain chemo to protect my eyes from infection and such. Zac often teases me about all the steroids and it likely is a good thing I don't play professional sports what with the level of steroids that get injected and swallowed by me during a chemo regime. :-)
But think about it...the same God that heals us also gave wisdom to scientists/chemists to come up with not only chemicals to kill cancer cells so people don't just have to sit back and wait for the cancer to take their life, but also ways to protect vital organs and reduce side effects during the treatment process. Now to my way of thinking, only the One true God could do that! The Lord that formed us in our mothers' womb; that knit us each together uniquely; and who knows the exact number of our days...even before there was ever one of them. He even numbered every hair on our head...at present I have none of my original count, but He'll do a re-count in time I'm sure. Yes, the Lord is indeed the ultimate Great Physcian and Healer and Abba Father!
So yes, there may be many ironic things that strike me while I'm enduring chemotherapy, but all I need do is lift my eyes unto the Lord and I see nothing ironic at all and I'm good to go on with the fight.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Kid Friendly, Parent Pleasing Cell Phone Company
Do you want your kids to have a cell phone, but you're worried about keeping them safe in the world of mobile technology? That was me, big time! But then I discovered kajeet, the only cell phone company made for kids by parents. These parents designed a service to provide kids with everything they need to safely explore the world of mobile tech. And since having a cell phone is a responsibility, they designed FREE parent controls to enable families to customize and manage all aspects of using a cell phone. As their logo says, "use it for good."
Watch this video and check them out for yourself. http://www.kajeet.com/feature-demo.html
After you watch the video, come back out here and click on any of the kajeet links below my posts or click www.kajeet.com/mgullickson so you can save 15% on phone purchases!
Watch this video and check them out for yourself. http://www.kajeet.com/feature-demo.html
After you watch the video, come back out here and click on any of the kajeet links below my posts or click www.kajeet.com/mgullickson so you can save 15% on phone purchases!
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